And then I saw his face, now I’m a believer!

Hello, internets 🙂

I’m not a spiritual person, nor am I religious, but some things in life change your perspective ever so slightly. Not to the point that I am going to join a convent or have ghost hunters in my house, but just to the point where I think maybe I was a narrow minded cynic all this time.

6 and a bit months ago, I would have told you categorically that when people die, there is nothing. I have been told stories of when I was a child and used to talk to and see people that weren’t there, nothing that I can remember, or believe though. I spent the entirety of my life that I can remember not believing in anything other than life. Even the concept of life and earth and the Universe dumbfounded me, so to then try and understand something further than that was beyond my capabilities!

That changed when Jason died.

How could my strong, fun, passionate and incredibly energetic Husband be reduced to nothing? How could someone so full of life be just gone? Over? I couldn’t accept that.

He HAD to be somewhere. His amazing mind couldn’t just cease to function any more. Where did his memories go? His abilities? His energy?

Things changed a lot when a wonderful friend of mine told me that energy can’t be destroyed, only transferred. She used to be a Physics teacher, and just that one sentence gave me a glimmer of belief that maybe he wasn’t ‘gone’. Understandably I doubt how wise she is every time she makes a brew, because her brews are shocking and require supervision, but something about what she said stuck with me!

In the days after Jason died, I found a new strength that certainly wasn’t there before. The children found a new humour, and the life around me had a new beauty. I had a new outlook, one very similar to how Jason lived his life. I like to think that his energy was transferred to the boys and I, not wasted as I had previously thought. Science is awesome, don’t you think?! If an entire Universe can be magically created, with everything needed to sustain human life (still undecided on that one, sorry), why can’t my Husband’s qualities be shared among his loved ones?

The ‘afterlife’ is something else that I didn’t ‘believe’ in, however, I started to talk to him anyway. I felt like IF there was a chance he could hear me, I had to take it. I was clinging to a hope that I had never wanted before.

The night he died, between various vomiting trips and internet time, I tried to sleep. One of those times I was crying so hard that my whole body was hurting. My chest felt like someone was standing on it, and my face felt like it was on fire. I bet I looked terrible! I was ‘talking to Jason’, telling him I missed him, and that I loved him, and probably not really making much sense. I said I needed him, then carried on the crying. About 15 seconds after I had stopped speaking, my crying suddenly stopped. I could feel, from my head to my feet, the tension leave my body. My face felt fine, my chest felt fine, and I felt a huge warmth around me, like a second layer of heat all around me. There was no stupid breathing like you usually get after a good cry, and no aches. I felt completely calm. I fell asleep right after that, only for 10 minutes or so, but I slept!

On the 14th September, two days before Jason’s funeral, I woke up feeling very different. I picked up my phone straight away and wrote this:

image

That dream was the most real dream I had ever had. It was the first one I had with him in it. I could feel him holding me, and could feel the same warmth I had felt the night he died. It isn’t something you can explain, apart from saying that it felt real. As though he was saying Goodbye, right before the funeral.

The third and final ‘experience’ I have had, was only a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, out of nowhere, I was having a bad day. I went to bed, and I cried more than I have done in a few months. I felt so alone and lost. I laid there, and for the first time in a while I ‘spoke to him’. I begged him, if there was any way to tell me, to please let me know that he was ok. I had never made a request of him like that before in my distraught ramblings, but desperation led me to say it without thinking. I also said that we loved him and missed him, and that I didn’t know if I could carry on without him.

I had another of those real dreams again that night. I was sitting in a room, there were other people there but the only ones I remember were a baby on my knee, and George and Toby to my left, playing on the floor. A door in front of me opened, and Jason walked in. He looked sad, but relieved. He walked over and I put my hands on his face, and ran my fingers through his ginger hair. My hands could feel how warm he was. He spoke to me, and told me that he was ok. He loved us and missed us too, but we were going to be fine. He hugged me and we kissed, and then he was gone again. The only way to describe it was that it felt real.

At the points I needed him most, these three ‘experiences’ happened. Wether he visited me, or my mind created them, knowing I needed a lifeline, they came at the perfect times. They gave me a comfort that I have never felt before, and, whatever they were, I needed them and will treasure them forever.

Love you Jason xxxxx

P.S. Tomorrow is my Wedding anniversary, so expect a post filled with amazing-ness about our wedding, such as this beauty…

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12 thoughts on “And then I saw his face, now I’m a believer!

  1. I only came accross your blog this morning and read every entry! Your writing is beautiful and you can just feel the love from it! Sending you “hugs” one of your favourite things 😉 lol xxx

  2. You will always feel him around you that’s what love is,a warm loving hug.sent from heaven.xx

  3. Happy Anniversary princess Jessica 😍 💐 x you made me cry again 😄 ps: I’m a crier I cry at the smallest sad thing 😄 hang in there when your faced with a bad day hun! We all have them for many different reasons some worse than others but those bad times/days make us bigger, stronger and better people xxx

  4. 🙂
    I not only ‘believe’ in the afterlife, I KNOW it’s real. Our loved ones never truly leave us! A few years ago, my friend asked me to come along to her spiritualist church as her mum was ill and she really wanted to go. So I did. There was a medium there. This medium came to me and she said she had my Nan with her. She described my Nan exactly, what we used to do, what I’d been up to. Silly things. Incredible detail. She also told me my Nan wanted me to eat more spinach. I didnt know, but at the time I was anaemic.
    Like you, as a kid I saw things and talked to people. As a teenager, I began seeing more, to the point I was referred to a mental health unit! I joined a psychic circle 5 years ago, and developed my abilities. I have had many psychic readings over the years. Even had my dog come through…in the most wonderful ways.
    You have had dream visitations. They are real! They are one of the best ways that our loved ones on the other side can communicate with us.

    Back in 2005 when my nan died, I had a REALLY vivid dream. I was sat in the front room at my mums, and me, my nan and my dog, were all sat on the sofas having a cup of tea, bit of cake and a chat. It felt SO REAL. In the morning, my mum said ‘I had the most vivid dream last night….’ we’d had exactly the same dream! I am adamant it wasn’t a dream.
    Last year in November, my aunty passed from cancer. I had a dream about her. I was in ‘heaven’ with her, she was younger and she was happy. She showed me her new house and where I was going to live when I cross over too. She said she was happy now and can’t wait to see her husband and my cousins again (when they cross). I said ‘you’ll have such a long wait’. She said it’s not like that there. There isn’t time. It’s like an eternity, and we’re always together. They don’t have Time or Space. It’s just thoughts. I don’t really understand, but it’s nice to know.

    Anyway, sorry to ramble on! I make a living now doing psychic readings for people, and sometimes I bring people through from Spirit. It amazes me the details they give me so that the person will know it’s them.

    Jason hasn’t truly gone. He’s right there. Keep talking to him, he’s listening. He’ll never leave you or his boys, and I’m 100% positive he will continue to give you signs that he’s around you. It might be a song on the radio, or a conversation you overhear, or anything. But I have faith that he will ALWAYS love you and will do his best to continue to show his love to you and his amazing family x

  5. ThIs entry is probably my favourite! I find it amazing and fascinating, but mostly so comforting too. Thank you so much for sharing such personal thoughts and details they are a joy to read even in such circumstances if that makes sense? (Sorry I’m not as literate as you 😉 I’m sure Jason will be there by your side tomorrow. Happy anniversary to you both xx

  6. I have come across your blog via mutual friend. This is a lovely entry, hold on to those moments. I never thought of myself as a believer but have had similar dreams about my grandmother who died in 1992 when I was 12. I have at least one a year and I find them really comforting. Mine have been going on for 23 years now, I’m sure you’ll have many more of these treasured experiences. Happy anniversary x

  7. thats all you needed from Jason to give you the strength to over come another day,weeks, and months, im a great believer in life after death and don’t be surprised hun when Jason pops up again and again and again, How could Jason leave you and your beautiful family and never see you again ! Impossible ☺️
    xxxxxxx. xxxxxxxxx

  8. My dad was always a little strange, he would predict things and strange things would always happen to him. I told him that when he died not to show himself to me if he could as it would freak me out. A few nights after he died I had my first dream. He was pacing around the top of the stairs distressed and asking if he had died. It as I knew it would freaked me out. A few days later I had another dream. We were on a park bench on a beautiful day. He was telling me that he was so healthy and no longer in pain. He could take walks and run again. The place was truly beautiful and so calm. I woke up feeling light, free and happy. My dad suffered major pain daily and was bedridden. To see him in my dreams the best I have ever remembers was comforting. This made me believe he came to me. xxx

  9. This is a wonderful post. I feel the same about death and life as you do until my husband died and my dreams of him were so vivid.
    He sounds like an amazing man and father and I know it’s not a journey you want to be on-but you aren’t alone and I look forward to new posts from you.

  10. This is a beautiful blog entry, thank you for sharing your very special moments with Jason. My baby girl was stillborn in September 2013 at 38 weeks. It was a complete shock as she was perfect and I’d had a wonderful pregnancy with her, right up until the moment she stopped moving and the hospital confirmed that she’d died. Although I’ve never had her visit me in a dream, I remember vividly a night not long after she’d died when I felt utter despair and quite frankly didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t imagine how I could carry on forever being without her. I was sobbing and wailing on the floor of the bedroom we had decorated and furnished for her, and my husband was crying too, not knowing how to help me, and obviously very upset himself. My husband cried out to the heavens, “help us, please” and all of a sudden it felt almost like I’d been slapped. A sense of calm and stillness came over me and I could feel a presence with us telling me that I should be happy and live my life, as I was lucky to be on this earth having all the opportunities that I had. I really believe that it was my daughter instructing me to get a grip (!) and buck my ideas up. I’ve tried to make her proud and enjoy life as much as possible, for both her and me, ever since. I still feel sad that she isn’t growing up with us and ache for her, but that experience has given me hope that perhaps we will be reunited one day. My yoga teacher reminded me that all energy is transferred rather than lost, and I often feel like I have other signs from her in nature – a visit from a magpie or ladybird, a song coming on the radio that makes me think of her. Even if it is just our mind playing tricks on us, I’m quite content to be fooled as it brings me such comfort. I hope Jason continues to find ways to let you know he is still with you too xxx

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