The reality is finally hitting. Baby Button is due in 4 days.
The most I will be waiting for my baby is 16 days.
2 weeks and 2 days.
384 hours (ish).
And that is the maximum.
The tendency I have, is to brush it off and say “Ahh it will be fiiiiiine”, when in reality, when people mention Button, I panic!
I have never found out what I am having before, we have always kept it a secret. The intention this time was to keep it a secret again, but given the circumstances I needed a bit of certainty in my life. This baby needed an identity, not just ‘The baby with no daddy’. I went for a private gender scan on 28th September, exactly a month after Jason died. I went into the scan place alone, whilst my Dad and the boys played on the grass outside. There were other couples in there, looking so excited and happy and in love. I didn’t expect to hurt so much when I saw that, but at that moment, I felt totally alone. Once in the scan room, it was a little better. I needed to know that my baby was ok, despite the stress I had gone through over the last month. As soon as the scan thingy (what is that even called?!) went onto my tummy, i stopped feeling alone. How could I be alone when I had a human being growing inside me?! Within 15 seconds, the lady knew the gender and told me! The boys and My Dad came in and I said to Toby “Guess what it is Toby…” And his response was “Oh no, it’s another boy, isn’t it?!”. That moment of disappointment was short lived, and he is very happy now! I have to admit, I was slightly relieved when she said it was a boy. Jason and I had absolutely no preference to the gender, yet when I heard “It’s another boy!” It all felt so much more manageable. No hair to do in the mornings before school. No glitter flaking off every toy all over my house. No extra schedules so fit in somewhere! I know what I am doing with my boys, I have done it twice, I can do it again!
I have never felt alone in my decisions. Jason and I were ‘trying’ for this baby for almost a year, so we had a lot of conversations about our plans and preferences. He was always 100% supportive of my decisions regarding the children and would never question my choices, so i haven’t had many parenting struggles or worries about what to do. He had already chosen the pram, and we had a short list of names for both genders. We knew what kind of crib we wanted (a co-sleeper) and had even started up a good stash of newborn cloth nappies. The practicalities of being prepared for this baby were all in place.
Button’s clothing consists mostly of rainbow items, because he is my rainbow baby,
The term ‘Rainbow Baby’ means a baby born after a loss. The rainbow after a storm, and although it usually refers to a baby born after the loss of another baby, I feel it fits our situation too. He will be the sunshine after the rain, and bring brightness to a place there has been such darkness before. A friend’s Mum sent me this ❤
One of my favourite things for him is my Bamboo Hearts rainbow blanket, which was made by an amazing online friend. One of the many people who supported me and held me up when I most needed support, which makes the blanket not only fabulously beautiful, but even more special. Every gift I have received for little Button is special though!
I had a baby shower 2 weeks ago, which was so lovely. Some of my closest friends all came together in the best place EVER (a local cake shop and vintage tea room), to celebrate just how much Button is loved already. We ate high tea, and played games, and I was majorly insulted by all of my friends who guessed I was massively fatter than I actually am (no one will ever be forgiven 😉 ). It was perfect!
My pregnancy has been great! I have felt physically fine, and it has been by far the ‘easiest’ pregnancy so far. I struggled the last 2 weeks getting home from the school run, as it is uphill on the way home, and with George in the pram, it was getting uncomfortable. That issue was solved on Friday though when I passed my driving test, at exactly 39 weeks pregnant. It was my first attempt so I was expecting to fail, but I managed to pass with only 2 minors, so I am on the road now! The children love it, as do i. Before Jason died we had a little bet that I would pass my test before this baby arrived. I don’t think he believed I could do it, but I stuck to my word, and did! The feeling of pride is huge. I feel like I actually achieved something!
Over the last 6 months, Toby, George and I have developed a nice little routine. They are manageable, and mostly well behaved. That will all go out of the window in the next couple of weeks, as I’m not sure any of us are really prepared for how much life is going to change again. I worry that I won’t be good enough for them if I am tired or grumpy, or just busy with the baby! I don’t want them to feel pushed out or as though they don’t matter, so this will me a huge learning curve for us all.
I don’t cope well with little sleep, so that is my biggest worry. I am determined to exclusively breastfeed again, so there will be no ‘nights off’ or ‘time to myself’ which in the long run will be perfect, but short term it will be hard. Really hard. I have lots of wonderful friends and a select few amazing family members that will be there for me should I need them. I plan to invite people round to visit, but leave them downstairs with my children whilst I go and nap. Nothing like being anti-social with the people you love!
My biggest fear, is getting Post-Natal Depression again. I try not to get too worried, because I have dealt with it twice before, I am sure I can again. However, this time I don’t have anyone who knows me inside out looking out for me. What if people don’t notice I am struggling? What if I don’t notice I am struggling? What if I get stuck in a rut that I can’t get out? Only time will tell I guess.
I don’t know how life will be in the next few days, weeks, months and years. But what I do know is that I have come this far, and I won’t give up easily. I will keep fighting for my boys, and leaning on the people around me. I will use my new strength to be as good a Mummy to them as I can!
So now the countdown can begin (well, preferably after Wednesday when I get my new carpet down) to the arrival of little Button.
Our Rainbow Baby!
Wish me luck. I think I will need it!
Love you Jason xxxx