I can’t believe how long it is since I have managed to write anything.
Time is hard to come by these days. If I’m not feeding Barnaby I am playing with the boys. If we aren’t playing I am doing school runs and going to playgroups. If I’m not doing that, I am doing washing. If not washing I am attempting to stop my house looking like a bomb went off. There is just no time for anything extra!
I don’t stop, 24 hours a day.
And I love it!
Barnaby is quite simply, perfect. His Daddy must have had a word with him before he was born, as he has fit into our family so wonderfully. He is such a content, patient and happy little (not so little) baby. He sleeps amazingly, breast feeds like a pro, and his Brothers are smitten.
Before Barnaby was born, I spent weeks pretending to be excited every time I was asked (100 times a day) “Are you looking forward to it?!”. In reality, I was dreading his arrival. I was terrified. Scared that I wouldn’t cope, and that I would just fall to pieces. But I could never say that out loud. The guilt ate away at me. What kind of Mother was I, that I wasn’t even looking forward to meeting my own baby? I felt like I wasn’t worthy of being a Mum to him, as I wasn’t looking forward to it this time.
I didn’t need to worry. Now that he is here, I love him with all my heart, and the reality of life as a Widowed Mother of three, isn’t as daunting as I had imagined. Some days are tough. Some days I feel like I could sleep for a week, and some days it looks as though our house has been broken into. But we are all happy!
It destroys me to think about what Jason is missing. I try not to think about it often, but each time I do, I am overcome with a wave of physical pain. My heart is broken that he will never meet this perfect boy we created. Barnaby will never see that beautiful smile of Jason’s in person. He will never hear him say his name, or have just one cuddle with him. I am worried if I will be enough. Jason was such an incredible Daddy that I’m not sure if I can compensate for him not being here. I don’t feel like half the parent Jason was. I hope I am enough.
I have been very fortunate to have some wonderful and understanding friends, who don’t take offence when I forget to reply to their messages, and who look after me and the boys. I feel honoured to have people like that in our lives. I have also found out that regardless of what I am going through, there will still be incredibly selfish people in the world, who can’t help but add to the crap we are enduring. Thankfully they are very transparent to everyone, so their negativity doesn’t linger like a bad smell for too long! My little world may be wonderful, but I unfortunately can’t make everyone outside of our bubble be wonderful too.
I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone for the support they have given me. For the physical support I have received from my friends, Dad and my AMAZING sister. For the mental and emotional support and advice from my online friends, who are there at any time of the day or night to help me with things I can’t ask anyone else. And for all the support of my blog, regardless of how quiet I have been this month. Knowing that people enjoy my writing, and share it with their friends fills me with pride. I get messages from people telling me that what I have written has helped them deal with things of their own, and I feel really overwhelmed that I can do that. So, thank you to every person who has been there on our journey.
Hopefully now that Toby is back at school I can find a regular time each day to write.
And perhaps my pet unicorn will make an appearance too 😀
This post was brought to you on behalf of a sleeping baby and CBeebies keeping the boys busy!
Love you Jason xxxx