When I was younger, I would fill my Facebook with pictures of nights out and statuses about work. It was something to do between living my super-fun (ha!) life. It was semi-effective cure for boredom. Then I had kids and settled down, and it was a place to update people on our lives and keep in touch with friends I didn’t see often.
And then Jason died.
I never knew how much I would rely on social media until that happened.
Facebook is like a good Husband.
Full of funny things. Always there when you need them. Somewhere to offload.
To some people, I may spend too much time on there, but to me, it is a lifeline!
In the evening, when most people are sitting down with their partners, I am sitting in a silent room, with no one to talk to apart from a newborn baby. I often put the TV on just so it isn’t so quiet.
Evenings are incredibly lonely. The boys go to bed at 7ish every night, and the fun disappears. There are no more silly songs or cuddles. No more laughing or talking about our days. When Jason was here, that would carry on into the evening. We would be silly and have fun, and there was always someone to talk to. I miss that.
I have a couple of friends, and of course my Sister that come round some evenings, and it is lovely to had the adult company, but with most of my friends being Mothers, it is hard for people to have the time to visit. So the nights that people aren’t here are the nights when I am always on Facebook.
As pathetic as it sounds, it is my social life. A place to talk to other adults. A place where I can read things that make me laugh. A place where I can be involved in discussions, and a place where I can learn things. The things that most people would get from their partner.
Instead of telling my Husband about my day, I post it on Facebook. If the children do something that makes me proud, it goes on my status. If I need to rant about something that has pissed me off, on it goes! I talk about what I am watching on TV, things I have achieved and most importantly to me, I share pictures and memories of Jason.
I guess it might bore my friends sometimes. No one wants to hear about someone’s crappy day all the time, or see a million photos of someone else’s baby, but no one complains! I must have the loveliest friends, as they like and comment on even the most mundane of subjects. They are gentle with me when they know I have had a bad day, and they make me feel like I am not alone.
As well as my real life friends, i am a member of a baby group that was one of my biggest supports over the last 8 months. They were there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and I could tell them things that I couldn’t tell anyone else. They are my friends. It just so happens that I haven’t met most of them, but their friendship is invaluable to me. They listened to me talk about the gory details of seeing Jason dead. They helped me choose my funeral outfit. They heard all the details of the inquest, and have always been there for me when my Outlaws have done something awful. They know about my counselling, and my darkest worries. They have given me advice on rearing my bunch of monsters, and have read EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. of my pregnancy (bloody show, anyone?). When I am putting on a front to the outside world, they know that I am actually hurting, and without them, I would be a mess. Their words, thoughtful gifts and extremely wonderful generosity they showed when they did an online fundraiser for the boys and I just fills me with amazement. These people are selfless and I am honoured to ‘know’ them.
Spending time on Facebook gives me a sense of perspective too. I read about the struggles that other people face, the demons people have overcome, and the huge battles that people have had and won. I am reminded of the strength of humankind, and it gives me hope.
So next time you think someone spends too much time on Facebook, consider that it may be the only place they feel accepted, or that they may be lonely and in need of a friend.
Love you Jason xxxxx