Love you.

I came across this yesterday, as I was sorting out my spare room/baby room. This is the eulogy I read at Jason’s funeral. I kept it short as everyone warned me I would probably not be able to cope reading anything, but I think it sums up my feelings pretty well.

The church was packed. There were people on every row, and stood all around the back too. It was overwhelming to see so many people all in one place for one man. I wish I had taken a photo of it so the boys could see just how loved their Daddy was, but I hear that funeral selfies aren’t a thing yet. Maybe I missed the chance to start a trend? #funeralselfie #YODO (Yes, I went there).

Anyway, I read what I had to say, and my delivery was flawless. I say flawless, but what I mean is I wasn’t an emotional wreck, dripping snot all over the priest. That is as flawless as I am these days!

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It says:

**********

“Jason Haslem 22/09/89 – 28/08/14

SLOWLY AND CLEARLY, JESSICA. REMEMBER TO BREATHE!!!!!!

Thank you, everyone, for being here today. It is a credit to what a wonderful person Jason is, to have everyone here.

It is hard to sum Jason up in just a few paragraphs, I could fill a book with all the incredible things he did in his life.

Jason is the most amazing person you could meet. He is kind, funny and honest. I have never known someone with so much dedication, to his family, friends or work. He always strived to achieve as much as possible, and to better himself, although I always thought that was impossible, but each time I was proven wrong.

Jason leaves behind a legacy that anyone would be proud of. Aged only 24 years, he had a great career, great friends, and a haircut that he finally looked good with!

It is hard to be sad all the time, when Jason made me so happy. Even now, I find myself laughing at the things he said or did.

He is leaving a huge void in our lives, but at the same time, he has created a wonderful future. Toby and George will always have memories and stories of their time with Daddy, and in March, a brand new part of Jason will arrive. It will be a daunting time, but I know that with Jason’s strength, and everyone else’s support, we will all be ok.

Jason will always live on in all of our hearts and minds, and I am comforted in the knowledge that he will never leave us.

Make sure you tell your loved ones how you feel, as often as you can, even if they know it. Jason’s last words to me were ‘love you’, and I will hold onto that forever.

Love you, Jason.”

**********

Reading that back, one thing that strikes me in my use of the word ‘is’, instead of ‘was’. 8 months on, I still find myself writing ‘is’ by accident, and having to change it. Or I refer to things as ‘ours’, or say ‘we’. It is hard getting used to ‘was’, ‘mine’ and ‘I’. I guess at the time he was still very much still in my life, both emotionally and physically, albeit a little less useful than before!

It also explains why I sign every post ‘Love you Jason’. I used to joke when he said “love you” instead of “I love you”. I used to respond “Sorry, who loves me?” And call him lazy for missing out the “I”. At the time, it felt more meaningful if he could be bothered with that one extra letter at the beginning. But in hindsight, it made bugger all difference. I know that man loved me to the end of the earth, and would have walked over hot coals just to bring me a glass of water (missed a trick not testing that theory didn’t I?!). The way he looked at me, and cuddled me, and said those TWO WORDS was all I needed. I know that when he died, he went feeling as in love with me as always. It is a wonderful feeling to know someone loved you just as much as you loved them. Even if they couldn’t spare you the extra letter at the start of a sentence.

Love you Jason xxxxx

13 thoughts on “Love you.

  1. This is beautiful. The one thing you have written in this that has really touched me (well, all of it did, but the absolute stand out sentence!) is ‘It is hard to to be sad all the time, when Jason made me so happy’. I don’t know you, I didn’t know Jason, but from that sentence I can tell so much about you both – he was an amazing man, and you are an amazing and strong woman! That sounds patronising I know – but you get what I mean (I hope!). Hugs x

  2. I’ve just found your blog and spent ages reading it. What a wonderful tribute to your husband, I am so sorry to read what you have gone through and are still going through but you seem to be handling it all amazingly well. My husband has inoperable cancer and I’m facing a lot of the same issues. I will keep reading! Sending love x Julia

  3. This is so beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss too, but am glad you obviously have bucketloads of fabulous memories to share – and your wonderful kids. Sending you love

  4. Aah what an absolutely beautiful post. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

    I wrote — and read — the eulogy at my grandad’s funeral, a few years ago; it was such a difficult thing to do but I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else doing it. Especially someone that didn’t know him very well.

    That was hard enough. I just cannot imagine doing the same for my own husband. My heart absolutely goes out to you. Xx

    Caro | http://www.twinklediaries.co.uk

  5. This is a beautiful post, I can’t imagine how you feel as I know just how much I love my hubby. Praying for continued peace and strength for you and your boys xxx

  6. I am sorry for your loss, Every post shows how much you loved each other and how strong you are.

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