Over the last 9 1/2 months I have completely lost myself.
When tragedy hits, you become so focussed on holding it together, that you lose sight of the person you were. You put all of your effort into not being the person who is in pieces. Getting through every day becomes a battle, and simply having survived the day is a success, never mind surviving the day AND remembering to brush your hair.
I stopped cooking. I stopped having fun. I stopped shaving my legs.
I became a person that did the bare minimum to get through each day, and for the first 3 months I felt like I was treading water, clinging on to anything and everything that made life easier.
I was surviving, but not living.
Then one day, things didn’t feel so hard, and I realised that over the past months, I had achieved so much without even trying. That spurred me on to push myself, and start trying to get back to some sort of ‘normal’.
I can finally say that I feel like I am living again.
I am ready to be me again, not the person that is struggling to survive.
Of course there are days that I find hard, but I have wonderful people around me to help me through.
I made the huge decision last weekend to stop wearing my wedding rings. They made me sad every time I looked at them, and reminded me of what I have lost. I don’t want to spend every day feeling sad. I want to enjoy life again, and I know that Jason would approve!
Of course I love and miss him, and that will never go away, but I want my life to keep moving forward. No one wants to be stuck in a black hole of desperation and sadness, with no way out.
I hate the term ‘moving on’. That can’t happen in my situation. I won’t ever ‘move on’, as that implies leaving everything behind. Instead, I will move forward, and take all of my love and memories with me. I will leave behind the pain and guilt as much as I can, and focus on the life the boys and I have ahead. Our hearts and minds are big enough for even more love, and millions more memories.
It is time to be myself again, and with summer coming up, I may even make the leg shaving a regular thing!
Bring on my rainbow after the storm!! xxx