This blog post follows on a little from ‘Rainbow After the Storm’, and goes into more detail about why I lost myself.
Something that I didn’t anticipate when I became a Widow, which has surprised me somewhat, is how much change I have seen in the way I feel about myself.
I used to be quite confident. A
lot of little extra weight wasn’t a big deal, after all, I had no one to impress any more! My Husband loved me regardless of how I looked, and told me very often how attracted to me he was, even when I was sneaking towards a size 20! I could tie my undyed hair up every day, and never bother with make up, and that was ok, because I was still beautiful to someone. I felt good about myself!
Then, my fan club of one died.
I had no one to tell me that it didn’t matter about my wobbly bits and ridiculously pale face.
I was thrown into a secret world of self-loathing.
Some days, I hated every little thing about myself. I hated how fat I was. I hated how one of my ears is bigger than the other. I hated the fact that from the side, my face looks like it goes on for miiiiiiles because of my stupid nose (Thanks Dad).
My self esteem plummeted, and I started to avoid even looking in a mirror. Who wants to look at themselves and see Hoggle staring back?! I didn’t want to put make up on, as that meant being face to ugly face with myself. So I didn’t bother.
Being pregnant meant I could hide under maternity clothes, and not worry as much about my body. No bugger was going to see me naked until there was a baby coming out of me, and then I knew I would be more concerned about my vagina, rather than the fat thighs it was between.
For months I felt like that about myself.
Then one day, when Barnaby was only a few weeks old, Toby looked at me, and told me I was beautiful. I reckon I looked like a homeless lady, but there was so much conviction in his words, I had to believe him.
That was the moment I decided I needed to see what he saw. I was fed up of hating the way I looked!
I needed to love myself again, and not rely on needing approval from other people.
I got off the self-pity train at the self appreciation station! (Metaphors ain’t my thing, sorry)
I have lost 1st 5.5lbs in 4 weeks after joining an awesome Slimming World group, as I figured there was no point in being upset about my weight, if I was doing nothing about it, and in the process, have re-discovered my love of cooking!
I wear make up most days now, as I feel much more confident with it on. Kind of like my game face! But I know I don’t NEED to put it on every day. My no make-up stint proved that no one will run away screaming after seeing my naked face.
I am starting to look after myself now, because I matter! Obviously the children are my number one priority, but I need to remember that I am important too, and with my confidence, comes some happiness. What child doesn’t want a happy Mum?
There is still some way to go. Someone told me the other day that I looked nice, and I couldn’t help but pull a face that implied he was clearly higher than the fuckin’ Eiffle Tower. But I will work on receiving compliments better!
I know I am not alone in how I feel. Everyone, both male and female, will go through times in their life where they feel like this, but if I can drag my self esteem out of the bin, anyone can! Not everyone needs as drastic measures either, but every single person should know that they have something that makes them beautiful.
Even Hoggle has nice eyes!
If you are having a self-confidence crisis, try and find three things you love, every day!
Here are my three things for today…
*My face is alright.
*I have big boobies.
*I am a good friend.
AAAHHHH, I feel better already 😀