The secondary losses are often the hardest to live with in this unwanted life.
The death of your partner creates an initial loss of the physical presence of the person you love, but the losses of everything else are recurring, even three years into this journey.
You lose friends. You lose your identity.
You lose your future. You lose stability.
You lose your person.
The person you want to tell everything to. All the amazing things and all the things that piss you the hell off!
Three years and ten days after Jason died I still felt so desperately sad that I couldn’t share the excitement of Toby’s first tooth falling out. For a split second I thought ‘I will tell him’ then reality hits again. I can never share any of these moments with him again.
And that sucks.
(Here is a photo of said boy, 7 and a bit years old and feeling proud as punch for using a Playmobil spear and TMNT weapon to yank his tooth out.)