I want to live

I am lost.

For three years I have been running away from loneliness, and I have run so far, around so many corners to hide, that I can no longer see where I started, or who I was before this game began.

I have thrown myself into anything and everything that will take my mind off the void. Attempting to fill a gap that could never, ever be filled.

I set myself goal after goal that isn’t always achievable, just so I have an aim in life. I push to succeed, then as soon as that is done and the loneliness is still there, I drop it and seek a new adventure. Because it just isn’t enough. That void is there, creeping back into my line of vision.

I ignore it. I shut my eyes and cover my ears and I pretend I don’t feel it. I go on dates so that it is pushed to the side. I hide it under new clothes and I reinvent it. I rearrange it’s surroundings in the hopes of disguising it.

But it is still there.

I am done running away, into a maze of complexity.

It is time to embrace the void. Accept it’s presence.

My Husband is dead and life can never, ever be totally full again.

It is time to stop running and say, I am lonely, I am sad, but if I slow down, I might just remember my way out of this maze.

Back to basics for me. Focusing on what is right in front of me, the boys. Returning to a weight I am happy with and returning to hobbies I dropped because I decided to chase something else. I want to laugh and have fun.

I don’t want to be insecure and sad and let the void overcome me.

I want to live.