I booked a last minute break to Center Parcs. In all honesty I needed to get away from ‘normality’. How the hell can life be normal when two men I love have died?
Today the boys went horse riding and it was definitely an event of two halves.
Toby and George absolutely loved it! But I didn’t get to experience that with them, as unfortunately on the other side of the camera it was a very different story.
What you can’t see is me having an epic meltdown. Bee did not enjoy horse riding. He screamed and got off. No problem apart from the fact I couldn’t then accompany Toby and George. Instead i spent half an hour sitting in a freezing shed that is disguised as a waiting room, being screamed at by Bee.
Not usually an issue but today it just pushed me into ‘woe is me’ territory.
If my person wasn’t dead we could share the screaming child. We could share the responsibility, they could give me a cuddle and we could call the screaming one an arsehole together (not to their face, obvs).
I feel awful for missing out on things just because I am a single parent.
I don’t want to stop living our lives. I don’t want the boys to miss out!
But jeez. It’s tough!
Tomorrow will be better. Probably.