Colourless

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as frequently. I have been sharing other’s stories, but not much about me.

The truth is that I am really struggling at the moment.

For the last 3 months I have been experiencing anxiety attacks that are beginning to change my life. Not for the better.

I’m not talking worrying here. Or nervousness.

I am talking full waves of physical anxiety that are terrifying.

My chest goes tight. I struggle to breathe. I get extremely hot. I feel dizzy. I feel sick. I feel so panicked. I get pins and needles in my hands and feet. Then the imminent needing the toilet!

It comes in waves, sometimes lasting 5-10 seconds, sometimes for a few minutes.

There is no stopping it.

I can get one short wave every couple of days, or there are days that I have continuous waves of anxiety over a few hours that go on for a couple of days.

It is unpredictable.

Even the things I love doing, like driving and going to IKEA get ruined by it.

It makes me scared to keep trying to go on as normal.

Summer holidays are upon us and I have so many ideas, but I am scared that they will all be ruined by this black cloud!

Every time one comes, it is impossible to rationalise it in the moment. I try everything I learned in CBT and every breathing technique.

In the moment I am convinced I am going to die.

I look at the boys or picture their faces because I need that to be the last thing I see.

Every time it happens, I am so scared.

I am scared to go to sleep at night in case I don’t wake up.

Those boys need me. What would they do without me? I need them.

Every pain I have, I think the worst. What if it isn’t anxiety? What if there is ACTUALLY something wrong?!

I know that is silly. I know that.

But anxiety will not let me rationalise it.

It will not let me escape.

Even the tablets to help ease them, I am scared to take. What if they cause other issues?!

My mind is constantly going.

I need a rest.

I need to feel better.

So this is the Rainbow currently. Feeling pretty colourless.37409365_2157982060903179_6143214370554904576_n