You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as frequently. I have been sharing other’s stories, but not much about me.
The truth is that I am really struggling at the moment.
For the last 3 months I have been experiencing anxiety attacks that are beginning to change my life. Not for the better.
I’m not talking worrying here. Or nervousness.
I am talking full waves of physical anxiety that are terrifying.
My chest goes tight. I struggle to breathe. I get extremely hot. I feel dizzy. I feel sick. I feel so panicked. I get pins and needles in my hands and feet. Then the imminent needing the toilet!
It comes in waves, sometimes lasting 5-10 seconds, sometimes for a few minutes.
There is no stopping it.
I can get one short wave every couple of days, or there are days that I have continuous waves of anxiety over a few hours that go on for a couple of days.
It is unpredictable.
Even the things I love doing, like driving and going to IKEA get ruined by it.
It makes me scared to keep trying to go on as normal.
Summer holidays are upon us and I have so many ideas, but I am scared that they will all be ruined by this black cloud!
Every time one comes, it is impossible to rationalise it in the moment. I try everything I learned in CBT and every breathing technique.
In the moment I am convinced I am going to die.
I look at the boys or picture their faces because I need that to be the last thing I see.
Every time it happens, I am so scared.
I am scared to go to sleep at night in case I don’t wake up.
Those boys need me. What would they do without me? I need them.
Every pain I have, I think the worst. What if it isn’t anxiety? What if there is ACTUALLY something wrong?!
I know that is silly. I know that.
But anxiety will not let me rationalise it.
It will not let me escape.
Even the tablets to help ease them, I am scared to take. What if they cause other issues?!
My mind is constantly going.
I need a rest.
I need to feel better.
So this is the Rainbow currently. Feeling pretty colourless.
To Widowhood and Beyond 